Douchebags Everywhere Lament: Patriots Lose Super Bowl

I don't know if I have ever been more satisfied with the outcome of the Super Bowl. Some initial thoughts:

- The Patriots will now be compared to the '84 49ers and the '85 Bears, both of whom also went 18-1. The only difference: both of those teams won the Super Bowl.

- Maybe, instead of scoffing and giving smug press conferences like this, the Pats should wait until after the game. Because shit like that can come back to haunt you. Plaxico said that the Patriots would score17 points, and he apparently gave them too much credit. The Pats actually scored 14, 7 of which came after a pass interference call put the ball on the 1-yard-line, and 7 of which came with less than 3 minutes to go in the game.

- Bill Belichick apparently thinks that if he isn't there to witness the end of a game, then it didn't happen, or something. Bill, learn how to lose with class you dick.

- Good to know that the Patriots O-linemen will have plenty of time to tend to their beards now. Justin Tuck, Osi Umenyiora, and Michael Strahan undressed those guys last night. The Giants rarely rushed more than four defenders, and they were in Brady's face all night.

- Bill Simmons can't be liking this. And that makes all of us happy.

- ESPN can now dispense with the stupid "how would this current team do agaist these all-time great teams" pieces. Forever. Please. First of all, they began comparing the Pats to all-time great teams before the playoffs had even started. Second, the last time they wasted all of our time with one of those series, it was for the 2005 USC Trojans football team, and we all remember how that turned out.

- Its so great that Junior Seau and his stupid hats will have to wait at least another year to gravy-train a championship ring. Or who knows, maybe he will graduate.

- The only negative is that now we have to hear from the F-ing '72 Dolphins. The Giants hadn't even finished spraying each other with champagne and Mercury Morris was already giving a self-congratulatory interview on ESPN. I know, he was available? Who knew?

Thanks to The Big Lead for the pics.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly: NFL Primer Week 15

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly is a weekly NFL primer. Nothing is sacred, not the players, not the coaches, and certainly not the betting lines.

The Good: Jaguars at Steelers
I would understand if you don't agree with me that this is a good game this week, in which case you hate football and all that is American. This will be a throwback game to when football was all bout standing toe-to-toe with your opponent and just being stronger than them. Both teams use the exact same gameplan for their success: run the ball, and play great defense. With all the advances in offense and defense, you can go back 50 years, and down in the basic plans of winning games, hall of fame coaches always taught: run the ball, and stop the run - still works today.

The Steelers are coming off a guaranteed victory in which they delivered a suffocating blow to the previously unbeaten team an embarrassing and hopefully humbling loss, and as a Browns fan it was both sad and exciting. For one, it brings us one step closer to losing the division by a mere one game, but on the other hand, I really hoped someone would critically injure Tom Brady so that they lose a game. However which way they want to look at last week's game, the Steelers no doubt will not be yapping their traps anytime soon, because they saw just how far they are from the top. In the last couple of weeks, their offense has struggled to run the ball with the dominating power that was the calling card of the Bill Cower era Steelers. Equally disappointing (for them at least) has been their erratic offensive line play, which has also been the rock of this team for the last decade.

The Jaguars have lost their best defensive player, and a central part of their stopping-the-run gameplan in Marcus Stroud. How this will affect them against a team that has struggled to execute in that area is yet to be seen, but surely it will be an emotional hit. On the other side however, their quarterback (Gerrard) is playing nearly flawless football, and their two-headed running back rotation is producing devastatingly tangible results devoid of injury. So if you like beat-your-face in football, this game is for you. If you think this is boring, go put on a skirt and prance in the lollipop fields of Chocolate la

The Bad: Jets at Patriots
This one, boys and girls, is going to get ugly. Last I saw the line was 24ish, so take take take. Remember Patriotgate? Remember the lack of affinity the head coaches have for eachother? Remember the extremely embarrassing gap in on-field talent? Yeah, you remember all those things if you think the Jets are going to come out with a win, or even be within 25 some points of the Patriots in Foxboro. Need more reasons? How about the fact that NYJ were blown out at home by some 30 points when they last played this Patriots team.

Nothing is standing in the way of history, and of the Fuck You Tour by this Patriots team. Last week they flexed their muscle by soundly beating a team that they might be susceptible to losing to. They came up against the number one ranked defense in the league, punched them in the face, then laughed as their opponent lay on the ground crying and bleeding. They can do whatever they want on defense, and the Jets have neither the players, the scheme, or preparation to stop them or even slow them down. If there ever was a no-chance-in-hell game in the NFL, this has to be it.

The Jets on the other hand are going to come into this game for about a series or two of real effort. Once they realize how much they suck, and how much better the Patriots are in cold, snowy conditions they're going to shut it down. Why the hell would they want to be injured in some meaningless game for both teams late in the season? The Jets aren't going anywhere except the top of the draft board, ironically where they will see their nemesis. This will be payback by Bill and his players. Payback to Mangini for leaving, payback to Mangini for cheating, and payback for having no honor among thieves.

The Ugly: Bobby Petrino
I don't like Bobby Petrino, and I tried to make this abundantly clear. But for anyone who missed it, I don't like this greasy coaching robot, and he should go back to selling cars. I just summarized that entire post for you. I thought this situation was over when Arthur Blank came on the air, and in uncertain terms wanted to forget this era of betrayal, and I respect that kind of view. In fact, I feel so bad for Arty that he's come out of this looking like a sad old chap who's been beaten in the nuts too many times. And this year he has.

However, I can't let this Bobby Petrino thing go without addressing at least part of what I heard later that day. When I was driving home from work and listening to local sports radio, one of the announcers was protecting Petrino. This man should be taken off the radio immediately. To be fair, he wasn't defending Petrino's entire life, which has been marked by the stench of door-to-door salesmen etiquette, but more just this specific act. He was saying that he did the Falcons a favor by leaving, because he certainly didn't want to be there either professionally or personally. This point I can somewhat understand. But it's completely ignorant to focus on just the last day of his Falcons tenure to defend this man. If he had done it once, it's something that goes by the wayside, but this is the way he's conducted himself throughout his coaching career at Louisville, Atlanta, and without a doubt in Arkansas. I sincerely hoping this radio personality was just playing the devil's advocate for ratings' sake.

Here's what Petrino did: he quit on his team after lying to their faces. He didn't go through even one (be it difficult) season in Atlanta after preaching to his players to finish each game, finish the season, and never give up. His heart lies with Arkansas? Really? Did his heart lie with the Oakland Raiders or Auburn, or Atlanta (ha!) while he was at Louisville? I'm sorry, I don't have a shred of pity for this man. We all have jobs that we don't enjoy, we all have bad days, bad weeks and tough projects. But guess what? We're not getting paid nearly five million a year for doing these shitty jobs, we get paid enough to make our lives go. For five million I'd suck it up and take any kind of punishment Petrino takes on a daily basis. I would live through the criticism. It's a disgrace and insult to the general public that a person gets any kind pity. A guy that left a robotic letter of his absence in the players' lockers after dictating said letter over the telephone should be the media punching bag for years to come. Milloy had it right when he crossed out Petrino's name and in its place wrote "COWARD." Why would you want this slime to have anything to do with your program?

Petrino Bails. The hell you say! [We Suck at Sports]

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly: NFL Primer Week 14

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly is a weekly NFL primer. Nothing is sacred, not the players, not the coaches, and certainly not the betting lines.

I'll have to be honest with you, I'm not a huge fan of these Thursday night games, it seems a little too College Football for me. Not that I don't love college football, it is in fact my favorite. However, as the season progresses these matchups are less Virgina Tech-Boston College, and more Nevada-New Mexico State. Be gone with you. Sunday and Monday are NFL days, let's leave them that way, they're spreading the content too thin. Maybe not, since no one has the NFL Network.


The Good: Steelers at Patriots
Why is this good? I really don't know, because the Patriots now are the epitome of all that is wrong in football. They have the most evil coach, and they have the most surgically precise and merciless offense, and the Devil Incarnate Tom Brady. Seriously, it seems like everything he touches turns to gold. He doesn't get rattled and he always makes the play when he needs to make it. It's frustrating. I'd love to tell you that the Steelers are going to win this game, but I'll leave it to Anthony Smith to speak for me. It's a good thing that with Joey Porter leaving someone has taken over the role of mouth-no-brains without any slippage in production.

I really would like Pittsburgh to win this game so that Evil Incarnate doesn't have every single awesome record in the books. Realistically I don't know how much bulletin board material does for the other team, especially when they don't even know who said it. I don't expect either team to come out playing better just because some no name schmuck likely to be cleaning jocks with his tongue decided to shoot his mouth. The truth is, the things that Pittsburgh does on defense are the things New England has struggled with the last couple of weeks. They have given up sacks while Pittsburgh does a great job pressuring the quarterback. The defense has struggled with a power running game, and that's really the basis of the Pittsburgh offense. And when the play breaks down, Roethlisberger is a good enough athlete to either throw the ball 80 yards down the field on the run, or escape and get some yards outside the pocket; all things New England has not seen with the shit competition they played.

So, is it possible that Pittsburgh wins? On paper it makes sense that they would because their strengths are accentuated by the fact that they are also New England's weaknesses. Will they? No, and you can mark that one down.

The Bad: Cardinals at Seahawks
How do I move from a really good matchup, to an indictment on how bad the NFC has been this year? Well, I guess that's just as good as any. The Seahawks and the Cardinals are in the same division, and are fighting for the right to make the playoffs. The fact that a team as awful looking as the Seahawks is at 8-4 on the season is absolutely remarkable. I saw them blow a double-digit lead against Cleveland and nearly lose to the Jay here-have-a-crucial-interception Feely. On the other side, we have a team with half of the starters missing sitting there at 6-6 with a better than average shot of either winning their division or making the playoffs. That kind of thing should be outlawed.

Cardinals have already beaten the Seahawks once, and god willing they'll do it again, putting a big nail in the coffin that is Shaun Alexander. Let me tell you, while everyone was riding his jock during his only good season, I used him then lost his number. The guy is soft, and that's not an opinion, it's a fact. He and Cedric Benson need to go to dinner and moisturize each others soft girly hands, because they are both women in NFL pads. Anyways, a team that is 6-6 should not be charging into the playoffs in any year, except this is some kind of bizarro year. The Cardinals don't have a safety, are down their best wide receivers (Boldin and Fitzgerald) and are at wits end with their grocery bagger quarterback Kurt Warner. I know people are saying that he's playing better, but come on people, have you watched him? Don't tell me how awesome he is when he's chucking the ball around against the worst secondary in the league in Cleveland. If they're so happy with him, cut playboy Matt Lienart.

This is nonsense, a team 6-6 should not be in any kind of talk about leading into the playoffs.


The Ugly: Bears at Redskins
For one, this is ugly because this game garnered superlatives like, "Well, the loser is definitely not going to make the playoffs." That's so pathetic, that two teams at 5-7, that I already wrote about it. If you've skipped to the third part, I don't know what to tell you, you're a backwards reader. But really, this didn't get ugly until both quarterback were knocked out of the game. The joke here is, both of these teams are no worse at quarterback at the end of the game, than they were at the beginning of the game.

Rex Grossman was knocked out of the game Carson Palmer style when a defensive linemen hit him low. But, I have to say, there's a good chance that no one in Chicago shed a tear for Rex's career as a Chicago quarterback, and certainly not as many as the Bengals fan(s) shed for Carson Palmer. When we look at Sexy Rexy, we're probably all in agreement that his stint as Da Bears' starting quarterback, backup, or otherwise is probably over, and it will be marked with a dark spot. He took the Bears to a Superbowl, their first since Ditka, but that's not entirely true. What's more true is that he lost a season for the Bears where they should have clearly won the championship. His inconsistent and often downright bad play is what directly cost them the Lombardi Trophy.

I do feel for Jason Campbell though, he doesn't deserve such a fate. I'm not talking about the dislocated knee cap, although that sounds like all sort of painful. I'm talking about the years he spent under Joe Gibbs, which will be remembered as regression in his career instead of progression. I hope he gets better and comes back next year, because in the few times that I saw him not getting sacked or kneed in the face, the guy could ball.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly: NFL Primer Week 11

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly is a weekly NFL primer. Nothing is sacred, not the players, not the coaches, and certainly not the betting lines.

Lookey here, new layout with pictures for every discussion. I'm en fuego.


The Good: Pittsburgh Steelers
As a Browns fan, and a fan raised on Cleveland sports, it pains me greatly to acknowledge the bitter rival Steelers as the good. But, it's really something I should get used to, right? I mean since the defeat last Sunday, it's been roughly 10 straight meetings that the Steelers have won. Some may even start the whole chant of this even not being a rivalry when it's been so completely one sided. Yes, right on all points, but that's not what I want to talk about, because my Zoloft is too far away.

The Steelers didn't play well this past weekend and still came back to beat the Browns, it really shows how good they are when they can win a game that they aren't playing their best in. Also, don't forget they can really turn it on both defensively and offensively, seeing as they gave up nary a first down in the second half; the only 7 points were scored on some mind bogglingly ridiculous special teams play by Joshua Cribbs. Their defense made plays, their offense made plays, and all their young seemingly inexperienced coaches and players did what they needed to win. Conventional wisdom suggests that with a first year coach, a team will struggle, but this team has shown nothing of the sort with Omar Epps Mike Tomlin at the helm.

They've got the players and the coaches and all that jazz, and have had only one losing season in God knows how long. But that's not even what makes them good: it's the solidarity and cohesiveness in the front office. There's no firings there, no quick turnover, and certainly no turmoil; they provide a steady hand for a franchise that has been exactly that. The Rooneys create an environment where success is bred, one where every player and coach knows what is expected, but they willingly work for that, not forcefully.

It's this kind of dedication and foundation that has only three head coaches in nearly the last 40 years. Stability. It's this kind of front office and scouting that brings in players that fit the system and love the family. Resourcefulness. And it's this kind of forward thinking that leads for one down year to pave the way for years of prosperity. Championships. Say what you will about the crisp and lethal nature of the Patriots organization, but they haven't enjoyed the sustained success that the Steelers have. And its these Steelers that stand as the last line between the Patriots and an undefeated season.


The Bad: Indianapolis Colts injuries
Just a mere week ago, the Indianapolis Colts were on the fringe of being one of the best teams in the league. They had lost a heart breaker to the Patriots, but really, no one else has beaten them, and certainly the Colts had come the closest. They were good enough to lead by 10 points in the fourth quarter, but not good enough to lead by the end of it. Fear not, they were playing with their best players injured! Surely that would quell the local disappointment, if only for a week.

Ah, but there's the rub. A week later, this team is not the same team that won its first seven games. It's not the same team that had brought the Patriots to the brink of defeat. It's not even the same team that could make the playoffs without breaking a sweat.

The Colts are in the midst of starting to worry about their season. With everything cruising along, injuries have completely decimated this team, with the biggest loss being the season ending foot surgery to Dwight Freeney. They picked up Simeon Rice, but let's be honest here, he's merely half the one dimensional player he once was, and certainly doesn't command the physical attributes, nor the fear to necessitate double teams. The offense was great, but it was really the defense, now a shell of its former self, that was going to guide this team to a repeat. They're injured, crippled, and no longer instill the fear they did merely a game into this season.

This team has been brought to its knees, and the football opponent had nothing to do with it.


The Ugly: Quarterback carousel
In a year where we have some of the best and most outstanding quarterback play in the national football league is also the year we have the worst. Over the last couple of years we've seen the trend of winners shy away from building around a caretaker quarterback and more of a play maker, because let's be honest - the man handles the ball on nearly every offensive play. So, is it any coincidence that inconsistent quarterback play and carousels are on teams with less than sparkling records?

Out of the 32 teams playing this weekend, 13 (give or take 3) teams have questions about their quarterback for this game and going forward. In fact, some don't even know if they're going to use their second string for the rest of the year, next year, or go into the draft to find a player to lead their team. Three teams are possibly the worst poised to solve this quandary by this season or next.

The Chicago Bears, Baltimore Ravens, and Minnesota Vikings all have quarterbacks on their roster that have played significant snaps and yet shown that they are not NFL starting material. They've switched back and forth, in hopes of finding the right combination of plays and talent that will eventually translate into wins.

Chicago Bears benched Rex Grossman because of his poor play, only to pin their hopes to Brian Griese, a man that was kicked out of three different systems for having neither the tools to make the play nor the brains to analyze what play needs to be made. Sans a couple of good throws the both have largely been an embarrassment at the position.

Baltimore Ravens thought that a veteran quarterback was the piece they needed, combined with their defense to lead them back to the Superbowl. But all they've gotten out of McNair was what we all believed: an old broken player. Kyle Boller has been worse than an injured old man, continually holding on to the ball and refusing to make plays, even after being the Robo QB coming out of college.

The Minnesota Vikings called Tarvaris Jackson a more mature Donovan McNabb at the same age, and from this we learned: Brad Childress should not be an NFL coach. From Tarvaris, the Vikings this year have gotten less combined touchdowns (2 passing, 1 rushing) than either interceptions or sacks (5 each), and a below 50% completion percentage. Adrian Peterson has rushed for more yards than Jackson has thrown for. And let me be the first to break the news to you Brad, being from Cleveland originally, Kelly Holcomb is not the answer.

Same league, same year, three quarterbacks are playing the position nearly better than anyone has ever, and three teams can't seem to find even a caretaker. That is sad on so many levels.

Dwight Freeny's season over [Indianapolis Star]
Colts injuries mount [USA Today]
Photo: NFL Guru, Indy Star, JS Online

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly: NFL Primer Week 9

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly is a weekly NFL primer. Nothing is sacred, not the players, not the coaches, and certainly not the betting lines.

The Good: The Game.
This one's easy, and for the first time in weeks we're talking about a game people would actually want to watch. The Indianapolis Colts and the New England Patriots are about to become the first teams to play each other when each is at least 7-0, setting up an epic battle; or at least what we hope is an epic battle.

The Indianapolis Colts are about to have their first game as an underdog at home, certainly that's virgin territory for this team. And it's unclear about what Vegas feels on this game, if they see New England as that good, or it's a statement about how quiet the Colts have been about their impressive start. It just doesn't seem that they do anything that great, besides of course Peyton Manning finding the ever open receivers jogging uncovered down the field. And yet, they're solid on both sides of the ball, it's been an impressive start. New England's impressive start can't possibly go unnoticed, especially by me since I have Brady on my fantasy team. They've been blowing people out college football style; 52-7 isn't an NFL score.

So what's going to happen? I'm glad you asked. It's being billed as an impressive matchup of titans, but just like many games, the on-the-field play will likely not live up to the commercials. In fact, I'm so unimpressed (still don't know why) with the Colts start that I'm just hoping they make a game of it, and don't get blown out. As is the case, I certainly don't feel they have a chance to win the game, and with a line of -6.5, the Colts will be lucky to keep it within two scores. Take the Pats to cover, as you have hopefully done all year, and you'll be in the money.

Here's hoping I'm wrong. The Bostonians will be insufferably annoying if all their teams win.

The Bad: The Jets.
It's funny how easy it is to find Bads and Uglies on a weekly basis. It's like going to a bar. Zing.

Honestly though, let's take a look at this team - the same team, mind you, that went 10-6 and got into the playoffs last year. What could possibly happen in one year to have the bottom fall out when no wholesale changes have been made. In fact, it's not only that, they've added parts that should have made them competitive with New England (ha!), but they've completely regressed. As Mike Greenberg said this morning, "I can't believe that Pete Kendall would be the downfall." He certainly isn't. It's a combination of things.

has set his foot in the ground that his team does not suck, and Eric If there's one thing that every Belichick disciple has in common, it's stubbornness. Charlie WeisMangini showed an equally thick head with the future of Chad Pennington. It's not that Chad Pennington is bad, it's that he handcuffs the offense. The truth is, he doesn't have a good arm to throw down field, but he has an excellent 20 yard floating pass. Which means, this offense works in a mostly 20-25 yard cushion plotting down field with nary a deep threat, which is okay. But this doesn't work in the NFL for the entire game. After a while, defenses get too good and they catch on; this allows them to stuff the run and predict routes, thus getting many three-and-outs. Because of this, the defense ends up being on the field an awful long time, and while this is good at the beginning of the game, it ends up biting them in the end. A simple change in week two should have been to bench Pennington, and it's getting done, but it's too little too late. The ship for the playoffs sailed, and the Jets are still at the dock.

The Ugly: Cincinnati Bengals situation
To be fair, it's not just the team on the field that's ugly, it's also the team off the field, and the front office. First of, what's going on the field is bordering on embarrassing for everyone involved. The defense can't stop nearly anyone, and the offense hasn't been in sync at almost any time this year. For a team loaded with offensive weapons that work so well together, having a full season last year and an off season this year with a healthy Carson Palmer throwing routes for Chad Johnson should have produced explosive, not mediocre results. The worst part on the defensive side had to be when the Bengals didn't have enough healthy bodies to fill in at linebacker earlier in the year. This leads us directly to...

Off the field issues have bothered the team, very obviously, more than anyone thought it would - specifically one Marvin Lewis. It was obvious that when he went on what was then the Dan Patrick Show and tried to convince us all that the Bengals did not have a jailbird issue, he is out of touch with reality, and out of touch with his team. It's hard to imagine what kind of guy he is behind closed doors, whether he's a player's coach, or a disciplinarian, but whatever he is isn't working. Maybe the problem is that he doesn't know and he waffles back and forth, thus creating a vague plan for the franchise down the road. Whatever happens the rest of this year, from an outsider's view, there's only one thing that can be done, and that's letting Lewis go. He did a great job building this franchise to respectability, something it hasn't sniffed for the last two decades. But it's obvious from this year there's no farther he can take them, and they're not buying into his system anymore, they're regressing in it.

Maybe he never had a chance. It's Cincinnati, after all.

Photo: Derok